Learning & Development love languages

This article is adapted from Laura Overton’s LinkedIn newsletter published on Valentine’s Day 2025 as the ideas in it are just as valid for the remaining 364 days of the year…

A couple of years ago I spent a day wondering about that perfect relationship that L&D longs for with their business stakeholders… ‘that satisfying harmony that evolves when actions and consequences are completely in line. That sweet connection that completes us, provides the recognition we crave and gallantly pulls out that longed-for seat at the business table!’.

Those drawn to our industry are attracted by meaningful work, looking to make a difference and bring out the best in others. Like relationships, we are looking for our work to be purposeful – we want others to engage, to connect and to adapt as a result of their relationship with us and what we do. This year, Elucidat’s State of Digital Learning Report initially got me thinking about our go-to strategies to improve business value and potential L&D love languages that we use to connect and engage. Gary Chapman, Ph.D. writer, consultant and marriage counsellor, first introduced us to the idea that we all have different ways of giving and receiving love back in 1992. His 5 love languages work showed us that our differences might all be equally valid but are not always understood by our partners. Tensions and misunderstandings arise when we don’t recognise or ‘speak’ the language of our partner. They are more likely to dissolve when we do.

With over 20 million copies of his book sold over the last 30+ years, it’s clear that the idea of understanding and talking the language of our beloved has captured global attention and brought hearts closer.

Are there lessons those of us in L&D might apply to bring us into a closer and more valuable relationship with our stakeholders? What are our L&D love languages? To what extent do they lead to or hinder our often elusive goals of being engaged?

L&D love languages

I’ve spent all of my career exploring how L&D can deliver better business value, poring over millions of data points, taking part in thousands of conversations and filling the gaps in between with the stories and opinions that you all share over on LinkedIn. I present to you now my very unscientific (but insight driven) perspective on how Dr Chapman’s love languages shed light on our L&D expressions of care in L&D:

1. Receiving L&D gifts – Dr Chapman talks about the individuals who express their devotion by the frequent giving and receiving of small gifts. This is a common love language of many L&D professionals. We continually shower individuals, teams and business leaders with content, courses and curricula, wrapped beautifully in the latest technology tied up with an AI bow. We also love to receive those regular gifts in return.The potential challenge of this love language is that each piece of carefully created content or extravagantly executed experience, whilst crafted with genuine care for the recipient, can end up feeling transactional and devoid of meaning for learners and business stakeholders who may not feel valued if they do not feel ‘heard’ in the relationship.As gift givers we need to avoid drowning our beloved with LOVE – layers of virtual excess!
2. Acts of L&D service – as service providers, our core L&D love language may be spotting opportunities before they have even surfaced, solving problems and making decisions to help before we’ve even been asked. We investigate and introduce new tools and technologies that might be helpful, curate pathways and present campaigns to nudge and cajole without even being asked.But for some of our business stakeholders, this approach might cause irritation, a feeling that L&D are taking over and insisting they know what is best. Another downside for our learners might be that these acts of service, whilst genuine in intent, can result in an unhealthy codependency that takes away their own ability to explore, learn and share.
3. Words of affirmation – this L&D love language might appear through regular status updates, beautiful dashboards and frequent storytelling and thoughtful marketing campaigns. This love language relies on data, lots of data! It expresses itself through pie charts that show engagement, bar charts celebrating efficiency, attention grabbing NPS scores that shout about successful interventions and happy learners.The trouble is that our potential business partners who relate more to acts of service or quality time, might struggle to connect through graphs celebrating your L&D success and an overemphasis of talk over action.
4. Quality time – for some, the desire to give undivided attention is a sign of caring. In L&D this might take the form of wanting to deep dive into performance consulting, spending time looking, observing and exploring before responding to the demand for yet another course. We are seeking to understand the business need, to speak the language of business and to uncover those performance indicators that really need to shift. It takes quality time to respond effectively to a performance need. In return, those with this love language would expect the same. We want undivided attention and quality time to be given back in the forms of engagement, focus, and time to learn and practice.It is great when the business unit also speaks this L&D love language – spending quality time together deepens the relationship and the consequences of spending time together to co-create business value absolutely works.But when this is not the language of your business stakeholder, investing quality time might come across as intrusive or feel like a dose of analysis paralysis. Whilst the goal of quality time is spot on, perhaps your stakeholder might respond better to a touch of action instead.
5. Physical proximity – and to the last of Dr Chapman’s love languages: physical closeness. My gut sense is the love language of choice spoken by those traditional trainers who prioritise meaningful face to face experiences and the importance of establishing the right environments conducive to positive learning experiences. It may also be the love language of choice for those leaning into social learning, communities of practice and action learning sets where shared experience, proximity, closeness, and community establish the bedrock of our offering.But, as in our personal relationships, to some physical proximity can feel invasive, overwhelming, smothering. Others may interpret it as not recognising personal boundaries and preferences of time or location. This might result in them not turning up when invited and they may even, dare I say it, cancel at the last minute. Now I am sure that never happens to you!

Understanding the ‘love language’ of business

We need to speak the language of business! This has been a go-to recommendation from conference stages, podcasts and social media posts for decades. We have been urged to shift the way that we market, connect and communicate to improve our business value, to get buy-in from senior stakeholders and engagement from busy learners.

We’ve been told to drop the jargon, TLA’s and L&D talk that might connect the L&D community, but often alienates those we serve. Instead we’ve been encouraged (and rightly so!) to talk in terms of performance, growth and revenue to business stakeholders and consider the ‘What’s in it for me’ for our learners.

But shifting our learning language to business banter doesn’t always work – we still struggle with engagement and buy-in.

So I’m wondering if this more nuanced look at Dr Chapman’s love languages might help. All of them are valuable expressions of L&D caring for those we support. And I am not belittling any of them.

But perhaps not all of them are right for each of the unique situations or conversations that we might find ourselves in today. Maybe we should be thinking less about speaking the language of business and instead tune into the love language that resonates most with our most important stakeholders.